"You do not see things as they are, but as you are" -Anais Nin
My alteration of this quote is:
"You do not teach what you know, but what you are."
I bring this up here because right now I am dreadfully unhappy. I am not Being What I Would Like to Be, and until I learn to do this... I will not be going Where I Would Like to Go anytime soon.
*As I pay yet another speeding ticket instead of my car payment,
*As I pay a shady payday loan company from a dishonest dealing from May, instead of having spending money on this vacation,
*And as I fight the urge to withdraw the last fifty dollars from my savings account- which is the only thing making me feel like I'm trying to save for my dreams of travel...
I see this.
This one glaringly apparent problem here.
The responsibility for all of the above falling directly into my very Brazen lap.
In the past I've blamed The Man. My Upbringing. Paris Hilton. I've always fantasized that blaming her would be the most enjoyable. But in the end it's only Me that is causing all of this, which of course is much more boring to write about.
Coupled with the fact that I'm trapped in a beach house with my beautiful, successful little sister who has an equally attractive successful husband. Who are as you can imagine much better with their money. While they call each other "babe" and share stories of traveling to Punta Cana and Vegas this year. Or share which style of tile they chose for their new kitchen floor-- I am starting to feel like... a lo-oooo-se-er.
And you know, I don't really want her life. I never have. That kind of life makes me want to vomit, to tell you the truth. But it sure seems much less scary than mine. As I lay in bed contemplating this last night, I found myself fighting the classic teacher fear- the one they never admit to others- but all feel at one point (or many points) in their careers:
"If I'm so terribly bad at [insert flaw(s) here] is it a good idea for me to be hired as the example for the future of our world?"
The last thought I had as I drifted off into an "almost sleep- but not quite yet" state was:
I feel powerless.
Which would explain a lot. It just had not occurred to me up until that very moment. And I don't need to learn that I have "power." I am aware that I could- in fact- be immensely powerful. I'm also quite good at reflection, as is evident by this blog. It's the acting on said reflections that can be problematic. So I'm sitting on quite a bit of knowledge, wisdom etc... and yet feel frozen when it comes to actualizing any of it. As I have cycled in my life, between feelings of vast intelligence, and not using this intelligence to solve my dilemmas, for um, 28 years... one could say my self worth has eroded a bit.
And I don't need to list my good qualities, dear readers. I promise you, I know I have worth better than anyone. But why won't I use it?
And WHY in God's name wasn't there a class on this when I was growing up? I would have signed up for a class like that.
Public Ed doesn't realize it, (does the Devil know he's Evil?) but this institution cuts humans off from a large part of themselves. Whispering into children's ears for twelve years- "I have what you need. I have what you lack." And I know that five year olds don't know multiplication or how to write prose. So don't come at me with that argument.
I'm talking about the way we teach them to learn. We don't teach them to feed themselves. We just teach them to open their mouths.
Is it any wonder then, that when we all are faced with dilemmas that only we can fix ourselves...
We feel powerless?
I'm tired of feeling angry about the systems.
But it's just so hard to fix them.